


For I am what my past has made me

by Talvenhenki



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy themes for such a short story, Hurt/Comfort, Lancelot just needs a hug okay, Sad, for real
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28837662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talvenhenki/pseuds/Talvenhenki
Summary: Leon notices that Lancelot has slipped away and into the stables again. Being a worrier, he sets out to comfort his dear friend.
Relationships: Lancelot & Leon (Merlin)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	For I am what my past has made me

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic that came to me in that wonderful half-awake state I lie in for at least 30 minutes every evening. Anyway, Lancelot really just needed a hug, and the story ended up becoming a lot more hopeful than the original draft I had in mind :P

Sometimes Leon cursed his own perceptiveness. Sometimes he didn’t want to be the one who worried, but he simply could not help himself.

Lancelot had slipped away from the tavern after just a few pints of ale. Having repeated that dance a few times just that week, Leon immediately knew where to go. When feeling down, Lancelot would always go to the stables where the smell of hay and the sounds of the horses would soothe him. Except that it was never helpful for long. Without fail, Lancelot would feel worse and worse, and he would be damned if he told the others what was wrong. It simply was not like Lancelot to open up, not when he could suffer in silence.

Entering the stables, Leon found Lancelot curled up by the wise mare he so often rode during the missions. The horse was gently nuzzling her nose against Lancelot’s shoulder, clearly having realised that something was off. Lancelot was trembling. Leon knelt in front of him, placing a hand over Lancelot’s wrist.

“Hey”, Leon breathed, “I’m here.”

Lancelot looked up, and his expression broke Leon’s heart. His eyes were wide, and they glistened even in the limited light of the corner he was sitting in. His breath trembled as he grabbed Leon’s hand, looking for comfort.

“How’d you find me?” Lancelot asked. His voice was low and a little bit scratchy like always when he got really sad. Leon couldn’t help bus smile as he squeezed Lancelot’s fingers.

“You have a pattern”, Leon explained, “when you get sad, you slip away from us after a few pints and then come here. You once told me that the smell of hay soothes your mind.”

“Oh.”

Leon pulled Lancelot up. “Come now. You shouldn’t be freezing here all alone. Let’s get you to your room and get the fire going. Then you can tell me what happened.”

Lancelot nodded and began walking alongside Leon. They held hands; it had become sort of a habit when the other was feeling low to support him by holding his hand. Leon quite liked it. It was a nice way of showing the other even just a tiny bit of support.

Arriving to Lancelot’s room, Leon went straight to the fireplace to light it. Lancelot, who was already exhausted, sat on the floor. Leon shook his head, not liking the way Lancelot decided to ignore the comfort he sorely needed. What on Earth was going on in Lancelot’s mind that made him so unhappy?

After getting the fire going, Leon led Lancelot onto a chair and wrapped a blanket over his shoulders. “Wait here”, Leon said, “I’ll go get us something to drink and eat. Then you can tell me what’s wrong. Deal?”

Lancelot nodded. Pulling the blanket, he curled up as Leon hurried to the kitchens. If there was one thing Leon knew about sadness and exhaustion, it was that those things took a lot of energy that the body could use for staying warm. Lancelot really was sad if he felt cold even with the blanket.

Returning with some bread and mead, Leon saw that Lancelot was staring at the fire, trembling again. Was it from the cold, or perhaps something else? Leon did not know. He pulled another chair close to Lancelot’s and offered him some bread.

“Now, can you tell me what’s going on?” Leon asked softly.

Lancelot looked up. The light from the fire broke his eyes’ colour into dozens of different shades. They were not just dark brown as usual, they were also golden, light brown, and so many other colours.

“I thought of my family.”

That was unusual. Although Leon knew what had happened, Lancelot never offered up any details. He kept quiet about his past, maybe trying to forget the horrors of it all. Leon wished that there was something he could do to help Lancelot. It wasn’t fair that Lancelot should suffer after all those years when the people who had inflicted the pain were to go free.

“I miss them”, Lancelot said. His voice was barely above a whisper, and it trembled. “I miss them so much, Leon. My siblings…they were all so young. _We_ were young. My youngest sister…she couldn’t have been older than three. How is it fair that someone so young should die? Why was she taken and I made to live?”

Lancelot’s voice broke. He turned away from Leon, covering his mouth behind his hand, trying to hide his weakness.

Leon sighed and scooted closer to his friend. Wrapping an arm around Lancelot’s shoulders, he pulled Lancelot into an embrace. Lancelot leaned his head on Leon’s shoulder and loosely wrapped his arms around Leon’s waist.

“I know we cannot take the place of the family that you lost”, Leon breathed, “but I hope you know that you _do_ have a family right here. The knights of Camelot are your brothers and if it’s anywhere in our power, we will not abandon one of our own.”

After a moment, Lancelot nodded. “Thank you”, he whispered, “it…it feels good that you said it. I often fear that I would somehow be exempt from it, you know.”

“ _You_? Exempt from our brotherhood? How could I ever forgive myself if you were not included?”

Lancelot chuckled. “Careful, you’ll injure yourself worrying over us”, he teased, still hugging Leon. “Thank you for taking care of me, though. It means a lot, knowing what a mess I sometimes am.”

“Thanks for letting me take care of you”, Leon replied, playing with Lancelot’s hair, “you’re not the easiest man to take care of when you refuse the care.”

“Oh, I know. Believe me, Leon, I know.”

Smiling, Leon patted Lancelot’s arm as he pulled away from the embrace and poured some mead into a cup for Lancelot. They enjoyed their little night snack, feeling considerably lighter than before. It was not like Lancelot to open up to anyone, save for Leon.

Sometimes, Leon felt lucky to be Lancelot’s friend. He was one of the few knights who made Leon’s perceptiveness a bearable trait.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments will be cherished! Tho I won't promise an immediate reply as I'm now binge-watching a TV series called Ivalo :D


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